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Friday, December 17th, 2004
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11:50 am - Christmas and stress
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Why is it with my family and christmas comes a lot of Stress. I have been stressing so much over the presents and over my phone bill that i have no money to pay off. I have one gift left to get and its the most expensive and its for my dad, how in the world am i going to do this. I dont even have 5 bucks in my account. My hours at the deli have been cut dramaticaly cause there are no costumers. I hardly work at the movie theater..if i did i wont get paid that much. I need a 3rd job. I feel bad cause everyone spent a lot on me..and i only spent 60dollars on each, except for my dad who i havent bought for yet. At least i know what i'm getting him. Christmas is next week..hard to believe. I'm getting stressed!! i guess thats why i feel sick. I'm also getting stressed with the Boy thats so imature and he keeps wanting to talk to me, but i get so bored talking with him, so i get stressed cause i dont know what do say to him. I dont want to turn out to be another bitch that he has to deal with..seeing how supposedly he had so many girls that were bitches to him before. Maybe its not the girls maybe its HIM! I cant stand it when he goes on and on and on and ON about himself. His mood can change at the drop of a hat. If i say one thing, "joking" he gets pissed off..cause he cant take a fucking joke. Its just getting annoying and i dont want to talk to him EVERYNIGHT on the phone. I'll just stick to my military boys..and have fun. But all are going to iraq or their already there, which SUCKS. ok..im done i need to stop ranting.
current mood:  bitchy
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| Sunday, December 12th, 2004
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5:05 pm - woohoo
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Omg. its been such a long time...i totally forgot about all this. Alrighty i'm finally getting to go out and party and go clubing...i love it! I've met so many new people..its crazy. I met this dude from flordia and its crazy cause we connect so well together and its just amazing how much i like him in such a short time. But i've also met a European guy who is in the Marines...aaah..damn he is cute! Its all just a mix of stuff i am trying to work out. With my family its getting crazy cause i hardly see them. I have 2 jobs and i go out almost every weekend so i really havent spent much time with them. These past few months for me have been the BEST. I have felt the best..before i felt like shit and just hated it here and living here, but now its getting so so so much better and i'm enjoying my self for the first time since i got back from germany. I just wish i had more contact with everyone else to see how everyone was doing. I just wish i could see some of the old Cbers, but life is crazy and money is tight..its just doesnt work out sometimes. I thought i went to germany to figure myself out a bit..and i did to a certain point..i have changed a lot. But i still have some more figuring out to do. Its part of life i guess. I just cant wait to get out of this house and live on my own and just be independent. Thats all i want right now ..is to be independent. oh the time flys by so fast yet so slow. I cant wait till christmas is over. All my friends in Iraq will be coming home and my friend from flordia will be visting me. wonderful times...i love it!
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| Wednesday, October 20th, 2004
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12:40 am
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Oh god. This is to much for me. I met this dude. I dont know what to say..its just. He is so damn sweet..its like impossible. Is it? There has to be a flaw in him somewhere. Besides the fact he is 7 years older than me, he makes me smile and laugh so much. I havent smiled and laughed like this for awhile. I cant stand it. He is in Iraq, serving our country. He is going to college, learning how to help people in disasters. What can i say he LIKES HELPING PEOPLE!!! If i dont see some flaw in him soon then i know i am going crazy cause there is no way a guy like that is so so so perfect. I am dreaming thats it, i am dreaming. ahah...i talk to the guy almost every other day on the internet, w/ the web cam. He is even cute. there is just no way this guy is so damn avalible. No way. i just had to let it out sorry folks..i am hurting, i am confused, and i have to be dreaming.
current mood:  happy
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| Monday, October 11th, 2004
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12:09 am
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The pressure of the world comes down so fast sometimes its hard to see it coming. Everyone in this world critizes everyone else. Everything we see tells us to be something that we know we couldnt be. Everyone try's to be perfect for some other person, but when we try to be perfect...we try so hard that we lose everything that we are. Most people have two sides...one that that their family sees and one that people see and the truth that comes out when alone or with friends they trust. Who is there selves 24/7? Who lets the world see how they act alone..how they really are? Most people bend with society..but its what the world want. Its been bending people for so long that they naturally do it, because its become second nature to give in to pressure. The longing to be perfect and to have the right stuff has altered societies and morals of everyone in this world. Most people change...but have they changed for the worlds approval or for their own? Which house? which car? which job? which husband? which wife? which sport? which life? These are simple questions to answere if only the answere came from who we are. But with the world defining who we should be..it all becomes a confusing mixture. Scared to pick the right one, the right one so everyone else would accept it. Who looks at these simple questions and asks themselves who do i need to impress? and the answere being NO ONE? Material shouldnt matter to anyone..should it? Whats the point of having money if it doesnt make people happier? Or a big house when there is no one to share it with? Or a nice car when an old car is fun driving just as good as the new one? to choose is a great choice we have been given. But to let the world make the decisions for us, is to take that indivduality way from us. We should decide who we are by living life the way we believe, so that we may one day find whats inside and who we really are.
that is my confusion talk for the night..
i leave you until another night.
current mood:  indescribable
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| Wednesday, July 21st, 2004
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5:41 pm
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I have only been back for almost 2 months and i need to leave. I cant live here, with my family. I have realized something today, my whole entire life i have never really been happy with my family. I love them yes, i have had some happy moments but very few. The only time i am really happy is when i am with true friends, and i dont have many. I need to leave, pack my small bag and take the 20 dollars i have a leave, i really dont care where. They said they changed they said things were better, but to me nothing changed if anything its gotten worse. 17 years of my life i've been depressed with everything, the one year i was happy and not depressed was in germany. Its my family, nothing else. right now i'm waiting till my friends leave then i'm gone, i going somewhere doing something, just leaving. I have had happy moments with my family its just the bad overides the good. I have had more problems in my family than 10 people put together. I cant remember a lot of good times. i just wish i could get out of here. Because its boring here, i dont know anyone, and i cant speak freely with my family. No one will listen, i dont know who to tell. All i know is that if i dont get out...i"ll never do what i want to do. i am tired of everything in my life, i hate it. Everything i say, do , everything they say and do, i hate it all. I dont have anything to offer anyone, not even my friends, i cant be there for them and have fun with them cause i'm here. the end.
current mood:  depressed
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| Saturday, July 17th, 2004
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2:56 pm - wanna get out
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i cant take it anymore. My family is just getting on my last nerves, i cant stay here i have to get out. Ever since i have been back i have been missing Phillip so much, he is the only person who understands how i feel with me saying anything. I feeling this way just makes it hurt worse cause i wanna live with him. But i cant and it hurts, i need to get out but i have no car no money no life being stuck here. I wish i'd gone with my friends when the left, but i'd probably just stayed there the whole summer, which isnt a bad thing for me but it is for my friend julica. i am so so so sick of everything. i dont think my famiy knows how much i hate them for every thing they say to me, expecially my sisters. i need to just SCREAM!!!!!!!!!! but i cant say these things i'll be a bitch and they'll tell me how much better it was without me last year. Well you know what it was better without them last year too. I just wish i could stay with my friends for the rest of the time i had to stay in this place, untill i get a job and get an apartment, and a car. But let me stay in reality, i would have to live in this godforsaken house until i get enough money to do something.
current mood:  aggravated
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| Monday, July 5th, 2004
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5:06 pm - home
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As soon as i walked out, where all the other families were waiting, i see a guy holding a card with my name on it. I followed him confused as hell on what was going on and wondering where my parents were. So he drives us to the hotel in Washington and my parents are still not there, turns out they had car trouble (not uncommen in my family). The next day with my parents was great, until we got home. My sisters, the only two people in the usa that i have been stressed about coming home to. They give their little lookes of disatifaction of the way i look or the way i talk, makes me wanna scream bitches. As soon as i walked in the door i was ambushed about what i should here and there, the music i missed, how stupid it was for me not to have heard this song or that movie, or even a new type of food out. The one sister, hard headed and completly an asshole, sat there determind to get me to say "I'm proud to be an American, and that America is the best damn country there is". She was also insulting me and julica (my german friend) by saying that germany doesnt have good stuff or its better this way. I was ready to have a fit, i wanted to just chew her out so bad. I felt my welcome home wasnt very welcome. I give them the pictures and they barely looked at them, they were too wraped up in tell me what was going on there, which i listened to gladly. I'm just saying after todays of being back and being called a bitch cause i wasnt taking their shit anymore wasnt exactly how i saw home.
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| Sunday, May 2nd, 2004
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12:50 pm - what is it
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What is it with these people, their animals throw-up but they dont clean it up. Nasty. Today the dog threw-up a lot and it stunk, who cleaned it? hmm I did, why cause Anne "can't." The cat threw-up twice yesterday, i cleaned up the first time, with a little help cleaning there floor from anne, and the second time i found that night, didnt touch it, Its still there this morning. So i cleaned it once again. what is it, do they just not want to see it so they act like it isnt there.
I am scared what marlene is going to say when a lot more people than we agreed on come to my birthday party. I am now having 2 live bands..wow..i also want a dj, for some of the time when they bands arent playing.
current mood:  bored
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| Monday, April 26th, 2004
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8:32 pm - So little time
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Wow, i cant believe its been 8 months. I forgot how to speak english, write english, and everything about the US way of doing things. I hate it when in english class they ask me how is in in US or how would you say this or do you know this word. My answere is always Ich weiße nicht. Immer in english class i speak german when he asks me something, no idea why. I dont speak in any of my other classes, except to pull my friends attention away from the teachers lecturs to talk. Rauchen mehr and my host mother hates it. I have no idea why i still am smoking, its just if i dont go to the smoking corner outside i dont get to talk to everyone i want to talk to so naturly i smoke. I have also though on every pack that i bought that it would be the last one. hm that was a every package since mid March. I went to Italy with my host family, loved italy, didnt enjoy the family bickering (i forgotten how to spell everything). I swear my host parents just let my host sister go on and on complaining. As soon as we got in Italy she asked when we were leaving, and every day for 7 she kept complaining on going home to see her boyfriend. The complaining was also due to the bad weather we go there too, and due to the reason we left early. They need to beat there children here. I swear if Anne was my moms child she would be slapped in the face for talking back to her. Anne talks back every day to Marlene and it bothers me so much, its so disrespectful, but Marlene just sits back and doesnt do anything. But other than that i love Anne, i am glad to have her so i dont have to deal with Marlene alone.
I turn 18 on the 19th of may and i am planning a big party. Host parents said i can only have 30 people, well i know if everyone in the 11th class finds out i am having a birthday party a lot more than 30 will be coming. Problem. I cant pay for that much bier. Oh yes also i cant have any liquer at my 18th party, well i know i will be sneeking in some with others. Also i am going to have a live band at my party, some friends of mine said they would love to play so that makes it even better. I cant wait! I would love to see some americans come. Anywho this day is so much longer and i have the invitations still to do.
I cant believe how much longer i have. I cant wait but then again its going to be very very sad to leave all my friends.
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| Thursday, March 18th, 2004
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2:47 pm
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I am doing better today. I dont know why but after speaking to my friend Lindsey, i stopped think so much about it. She told me how the funeral went, she said over 300 people where there. Thats people from my old high school and people from his university. I wish i could have gone. I am calling his parents today hopefully i will have the strength to get threw the call with out crying. I still dont belive it. I dont think i wont believe it untill i go to his grave.
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| Wednesday, March 17th, 2004
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8:00 pm - My world is torn apart.
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My best friend, Phillip, died this past saturday and i didnt find out till Tuesday night. I could only cry. I have lost the first best friend i ever had. Phillip and I were going to move in together when i got back. I feel like i am in a bad dream waiting to be waked up. I dont believe this has happend to me, i want to grab the phone and dial his number and hear his voice. I dont know what to do. The funeral was today at 2pm U.S time. I curse myself for not checking my email sooner to find an urgent email saying i needed to call my friends. I wanted to go to the funeral, i wanted to see for myself that he is dead. We were making so many great plans for this summer and for when we live together, but all of it is gone. He is gone. How can someone say goodbye the the bestest friend they have ever had. He was the only one who knew how i felt and what i could do to help myself. He was the only one who cared for me when i felt that no other did. I love him with all my heart. He was 20 years old, and feel asleep at the wheel and drove into the other lane and had a head on collsion. They say he died quick with no pain. He had so many friends. But everytime i spoke to him he said that all his closest friends are away. I wish i could be there, i wish i could have been there. I feel like if i was there at home this wouldnt have happend. I should have called earlier. The last time i spoke to him was the end of Febuary. When i get home i want him there to welcome me to give me a huge. I have lost everything...my world is torn up in small pieces and i cant put it back together. I am shaking, i sick to my stomach with this news of my dearest friend. I promise to Phillip that i am going to do everything that we have talked about doing, things he said will help me, such as move to raleigh. Even though moving there will never be the same without him, and living with someone other than the person i trust the most. I wish it was me and not him, cause he lost so much more i believe. Everyone knew Phillip and everyone liked him. I pray that no one has to deal with losing someone they love, because its the most hardest thing to deal with. I keep telling myself to be strong and live happly, but i cant right now when there is nothing to make me happy. I love you Phillip and i am so happy we have only good memorise together. Goodbye my best friend we will see each other again.
current mood: sad
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| Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
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9:05 pm
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Sorry guys for not updating this thing. I havent felt like getting on the computer. Well i am very happy the month of Febuary is over, because it was the worst month since i have been here. Oh yes i did have very good experiences in that month, with Practikum and friends, but over all so much bad shit happened to me. For those of you who know you understand. One thing is something i will never talk or do again untill this year is over (maybe). I have called home more this month than in any other month. Not exactly calling home but my friends. I miss my best bud Phil. I cant wait to go back to Raleigh. I have also thought a lot about my year here, and i fucking love it here. Not to the point that i would stay here longer or live here i just love it. Only in germany would you be offered sekt at 7:45pm at a fitness studio. Only in germany would you be able to pay 8 euros for a disco and get to drink as much beer as you can get. I am looking forward to this weekend and March, hopefully its better than Febuary. Apirl i am going to Italy with my host family, they specially chose Italy cause they know how much i want to go. But untill after Italy i wont have any money to do as much as i want to do. I would love to buy some great Italian clothes or something.
I am just rambling but its me... i dont know why but i miss my friends more than ever. I guess its because i know i will see them soon and i want to do so much with them. Everyone ask me if i miss my family and the truth is i dont miss my family one bit. I miss my friends like crazy but not my parents. So many people is leaving germany. I dont know why. Some say they cant get more out of the program or out of germany, but how do they know what great experiences they can have unless they stayed and made something great happen. Like going visting other countries with friends, or traveling a bit, or i dont know staying here. But i must admit i have thought about leaving. But i have begged and done so much to come here. I had to make my parents sign the CIEE papers to let me go (my mother to sign them cause my father wouldnt even read them). I have worked hard to come here so i can´t go, i dont think i would let anyone down only myself. Anyway i love drinking every weekend with friends.
current mood:  calm
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| Wednesday, February 18th, 2004
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8:29 pm
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8:28 pm
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Your wings are BROKEN and tattered. You are
an angelic spirit who has fallen from grace for
one reason or another - possibly, you made one
tragic mistake that cost you everything. Or
maybe you were blamed for a crime you didn't
commit. In any case, you are faithless and
joyless. You find no happiness, love, or
acceptance in your love or in yourself. Most
days are a burden and you wonder when the
hurting will end. Sweet, beautiful and
sorrowful, you paint a tragic and touching
picture. You are the one that few understand.
Those that do know you are likely to love you
deeply and wish that they could do something to
ease your pain. You are constantly living in
memories of better times and a better world.
You are hard on yourself and self-critical or
self-loathing. Feeling rejected and unloved,
you are sensitive, caring, deep, and despite
your tainted nature, your soul is
breathtakingly beautiful.
*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla
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| Monday, February 16th, 2004
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9:35 pm
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So i ditched part of my practikum to hang with britt before she left. I will never see her again. Maybe, hopefully, when we get back to USA we will. It was a relativly good day, other than the fact i didnt have a lot to say when i was with her and Peter.
I had german class tonight, without Peter, it went very good. I was extremly happy to understand everything. One of the guys in the class came to speak to me. Peter and I were suppose to meet him and have a beer or something, but both of us couldnt make it on that day. So Peter says he´ll call him, but peter couldnt get up with him. So he tells me that he was out there waiting for a long time. I feel bad. Oh well maybe another time.
My sisters are moving back in with my parents, cause they cant afford to live in an apartment above a garage for 400 dollars a month. So when i get back my sisters are going to share a room and my friend Julica (who will be staying with me for 2 months) and i will be sharing a room. Only for one month though, hopefully. My sisters are 19 and they cant make it on their own right now. I am praying it works out for me, i know i am going to work my ass off just to survive on my own. I honestly cant wait to start it.
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| Sunday, February 15th, 2004
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8:26 pm - worst weekend ever
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Friday was good, went to the disco, but it just wasnt that great. Saturday i had NOTHING to do. I found out late for some reason that i dont know, that some people meet up in Bielefeld. I was upset that no one told me and i could have gone if someone would have just told me. I couldnt check my email for like 2 days. Today i wanted to chill with britt before she left, but i went swimming for 4 to 5 hours, i didnt know it would take that long, so now i cant do anything with them.
I spoke a long time on the phone with my bud Phillip and it got me missing my friends. I dont know whats wrong with me.
I feel like i did something wrong and no one is telling me what i did. I have no clue. I am struggling with myself big time right now. Yesterday i hit rock bottom and broke down. Went for a long walk just talking to my self and God. Strange how i always turn to him when i am at my worst and i hate everyone and everything. I am a tiny bit better, still down but hopefully it wont last.
I hate that so many people are leaving, cause it makes me think about leaving, even though i know i wont. But it makes me think about it. This is just something i have to get through and get it out of the way and wait for it to come again. It always comes back.
current mood: depressed
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| Tuesday, February 10th, 2004
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4:51 pm - She knows (thank god)
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She (my host mom) has known for awhile that i smoke, just hasnt said anything about it. I was waiting for her for a long time, had enough time to smoke one, i see marelene and walk up to her smoking and all. She tried to act suprised but now i happy cause i dont have to hide anymore.
Right now i am in a practikum with children in the childrens hospital. All day i play board games and card games, its not to bad. The woman i work with is really nice and easy to talk to, i guess thats why she works there.
I am sad that panthers lost. and that i didnt see the game. I gotta go my host dad needs to work in here.
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| Sunday, February 1st, 2004
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4:07 pm
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Loving this weather. I walked outside with my flipflops and it was great. I have nothing to read cause i finished the books that were lent to me. Now i have to find something else to do. Maybe out for some more walking. I love doing that. Tomorrow is the practikum what will i do with all the little kids i dont have a clue. Hopefully they wont annoy me, but these i dont think will cause their to young and secound their in the hospital for some reason. Its my turn to cook today and i am making american cheeseburgers with fries and a salad. i have to go do something.
current mood: bored
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| Saturday, January 31st, 2004
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8:40 pm - Bonn and everything else
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Its been awhile i am behind. Bonn didnt want to go, got terrifed on the train going there by seeing everyone. Poor whitney got hospitalized and i wish i could have done more to help. See the beautiful cities wasnt bad and sitting in cafes wasnt bad either. Some many things seemed different yet the same. I hardly got the chance to get drunk but thats not a bad thing. I was extremly happy to leave and come home. I do miss some people already but its only a small few. I love my home and i love my friends, i missed them greatly in bonn, expecially on friday night cause thats when we all party together.
I have now a 3 week praktikum in a kinderkranken haus in the kindergarten. I wont be at school so i wont see many of my friends, on the bright side though i dont go to school for 3 weeks. My bolivian friends are leaving ruben today but mostly Marcela tomorrow. She was the my first friend in germany and she was the first to only speak german with me. Also she taught me so much german. I love her and i will miss her. I went to her house a little early to help with her packing before a party, it was very sad.
It got me thinking of what will happen when i leave. Will i have a good bye party and what will i be packing. And how hard it will be for me in the last day of school and the last time with my host family.
News: My friend Julica is planning to fly back with me and stay with me for 2 months. I am so happy and i cant wait to what she thinks of america. Yes she will be leaving with me on the same plan as all the other americans will be leaving on. I feel for her. i am out to read some more like i have been doing all day. I have to finish this book so i have nothing else to read until i ask my neighbor. sssoooooo bored
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| Tuesday, January 13th, 2004
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9:28 pm - its closer
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So Bonn is closer and i am getting scared. I dont know exactly why. I guess i am afaid of seeing everyone and we dont have the same friendship we left tübingen in. I must stop worring. I also have so much on my mind. I have cried more in two days than the whole time i have been here. Its nothing i am able to talk or do anything about. I just wish my mind would stand still for 5 min. I have so much to do before Bonn and after Bonn, i love being this busy. Bolivianish farewell Party this friday. Monday Pack for Bonn. Bonn for 5 days. School then on thursday going to Paris with my bolivan friend before she leaves on the 1st. I then I have a 3 week praktikum. I hope i will be able to go to Paris, we just decided to do it today. Also i am planning a trip to Italy in Apirl, i hope everything works out.
current mood:  worried
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